If you are my friend and if you are reading this you most likely are. So you know I love reality TV. A lot of people ask me, why? Most people think that people watch reality TV to feel better about themselves. That maybe the case for some people...some sad depressed people...but not me. I watch it because it's so entertaining. It really is a look at a little slice of America, whether it be New Jersey, Coupons, Swamps, Hoarding, Singing or Dancing. I know what everyone is thinking...they are not a real look...it's all about editing!!!! Well of course it is, no one wants to see the "Real" Housewives, they want to see the trashy side of them, how boring would the Real Housewives of New Jersey be if we only saw them shopping and getting manis & pedis? No, like everyone else I want to see all the table flipping, weave pulling, country club chasing amazingness that is New Jersey! If we didn't have the editing it would be interesting. Like if my life was a reality TV show it wouldn't be interesting unless I had a really good editor, I mean I'm sure it would be funny for some but let's take an experience I had on a farm recently and let's look at it how it happened and how the story would go if it was edited...shall we?
This past Saturday I went Molly McGrath's Father's farm "Harmony Acres" near Saratoga Lake. We were there to borrow a post-hole digger and a rake. I was putting up a fence at my apartment...yes I can build, although the raising of the fence in the rain by two gay guys and Molly McGrath would make awesome reality TV the farm adventure would be a better edit. So Molly and I arrived at the farm, it was sprinkling a little but it was still a nice day. While we were at the farm gathering supplies we also needed to take a publicity picture of Molly for a show she is doing and since I freaking love animals I needed to visit with goats, horses, donkeys and my favorite, the alpaca. So we pull up and find a little place to snap some pictures. They came out okay but the wind was blowing and Molly's hair was kind of a wreck (by the way, Molly if you read this, we need to do a redo). That went pretty quick and then I got to see the cutest little miniature horse that was I'm going to guess a month old...so cute, a pregnant donkey, three crazy goats and mini sheep that make noises like pigs. They were all cute but on my last visit I got to see an alpaca, actually I got to feed the alpaca last time and it totally took a treat from my lips, I love those animals. Molly and I took the little walk over to the white fence near a hillside where the alpaca, mini horses and a donkey called home. We of course snapped a couple publicity pictures of Molly on the fence (Molly did I mention we need a redo?). Molly of course called out to the animals (insert Molly's dolphin noise here) but they didn't come running like they did last time. I really wanted to see the alpaca...who's name by the way is "Al." So after a couple minutes Molly opened the gate and we headed towards the lean-to that the animals spend most of their time. Molly of course was wearing cowboy boots and I of course was wearing converse...imagine that many animals and JJ trying to avoid stepping in piles of alpaca poop. We got the lean-to and Molly said "I don't get it, where are they?" I was sad. Then Molly turned to me and screamed. Al the alpaca came running up behind me with the other animals. I froze, he had this kind of "I'm either gonna spit on you" or "Rape you" look in his eyes! Molly instructed me to walk slow and not to run because he will "Hump" you...yeah that was a rape look I saw moments before. So we started our slow trek down towards the gate, Al followed slowly behind. A couple mini horses came close to us and Al charged towards them. Molly then said "Quicker, alpaca's protect their surroundings." My slow walking turned into swift walk and dodging of alpaca poop, a lot of "Damn, alpaca poop" "Wow that was a big one" "Your Dad feeds them corn?" was heard. We finally got to the fence and all was well. The rain fell and we were safe. I said goodbye to the once friendly Al the alpaca and we left. That was reality of the situation.
Now, if my life was a reality show the episode teaser would go something like this.
Announcer: "This week on the Real Gays of Saratoga Springs."
Molly: "Let's go take the pictures at my Dad's Farm"
JJ: "Okay, what's the name if his farm again?'
Molly: "Harmony Acres" (thunder sound effect)
Interior of Molly's Car. JJ and Molly are driving and it's raining hard. We hear thunder. They pull up to the farm we see the sign "Harmony Acres" through the front window of the car, thunder sound effect.
Molly: This weather sucks.
JJ: I know but I need to see Al the alpaca. (cut to Molly's dog Cherry who has been sitting in the back seat, Cherry gives a look of terror upon hearing the name Al)
Molly and JJ leave the car. JJ snaps a couple pictures of Molly. They are seen visiting a new born mini horse)
JJ: Awe look it's a Tiny!
Molly: I know Tiny!
JJ: Where's Al?
Molly: Out back.
Thunder sound effect. We see quick close ups of the mini horse running, the pregnant donkey kicking and the goats jumping up and banging the stall doors. Cut to Molly and JJ at the fence. Molly calls and no animals come.
Molly: Where are they?
Molly and JJ enter the enclosure the walk up to the lean-to.
Molly: I don't get it? (Thunder, eerie music and a scream from Molly is heard. Al the alpaca stands behind JJ, staring)
Molly VO: Don't move, walk slow.
JJ VO: Alapac Poop! Corn! Big!
We cut to Al chasing the other animals and a VO of Molly screaming and more thunder is heard. We see JJ running. A noise of an Alpaca scream is heard.
END OF TEASER.
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