Finally a blog about "IT"

Why do we blog? Is it to truly write about how you are truly feeling because you don’t want to say it out loud? Is it easier to write? What would happen if everyone in the world started blogging? I asked myself that question this morning and the answer I gave myself is…I don’t have that much time in my day to read all my friends blogs. I also know that most of my friends rely on status updates, tweets and one on one, face to face conversations. So why did I start to blog? Beats me! I thought to myself one day…I’m pretty funny, the things my friends and I do are pretty funny…so why not write about it? So I did and I can look back at these blogs and laugh. Laughing is what keeps me going, it’s my life force. Then I asked myself, why did you stop blogging? Even people asked me why I stopped blogging. Then I realized I stopped blogging after “IT” happened. By “IT” I mean the dreaded Face book relationship status change. I know it sounds so Junior High School but I realized I can’t write a blog about anything funny without writing about “IT.” The laughter never stopped in my life after “IT” happened. The laughter became greater; I have the most amazing people in my life that never allowed the laughter to go away. So, why was I so scared to write about “IT?” Well, I’m not so here we go, the blog about “IT.”

What can be said about a year and half relationship? A year and a half ago I just lost 113lbs. I was a new person in a new body. I had new clothes and a new outlook on life. I had a good job, amazing friends and life was great. I was getting phone numbers from people who looked past me and I generally threw them away because I didn’t change on the inside only the outside. One night at a party I met someone and I went full tilt lesbian (sorry girls but you know what I’m talking about), I u-hauled, big time! Was it wrong? No. Was it fair to jump on a relationship before I fully had time to discover the new JJ? No. Do I feel like I hurt myself and my partner by doing this? HELL YES! I wouldn’t take back the past year and a half. To say there wasn’t good times would be wrong, there were a lot of good times, but also a lot of change in both of our lives. I realized at 32 I had a routine, I was used-to my life the way it was. I changed a lot about myself but deep inside I wasn’t happy about it. But that also doesn’t mean that change was needed. You can’t go through a huge life change like lap-band surgery and not expect to change yourself. No one told me that if you gain 5 pounds, you are going to look in the mirror and see yourself at 331 pounds again. No one told you how to act a dinner party when someone asks you “why aren’t you eating a lot?” No one tells you that the slightest bit of hanging skin makes you feel un-sexual and no matter how much your partner say its okay your brain tells you different. These are not facts that they tell you before you embark on your journey of weight loss. So where does that fit in when you start dating again?  Guess what it doesn’t. It consumes you; it puts strains on the relationship. Was it all my fault? No. Do I blame the other person? No…I leave that to my friends J I spent the last year and 2 months happy and I spent the other 4 trying to save something that couldn’t be saved. When you are in a relationship you change and so does the other person. It’s human nature and it can’t be stopped. I know we both saw something in each other when we first met. We were both at a cross road in our lives and I think it was easier to seize the moment and grasp onto a relationship that we both wanted so badly. Is that a good thing? Yes it was. Did it unfortunately kill us? It sure did. There is no blame on either sides just a moment when you finally say, “I’m not happy” and move on. Then you think to yourself, “Okay, what the hell do I do now?” Well, you do just that you move on. In your head you spent the last two months of your relationship going through all the break up steps and when it’s over you’ve reached the last step of acceptance, you smile and say “okay, it’s been a great ride and now it’s time to get off.”

So here I am, a year and a half later. I’m finishing school, I just closed a musical that came at time when I needed to forget my sorrows, I’m surrounded by friends and family, NYS state passed gay marriage, I’m laughing everyday and signing four postcards for gay marriage open a wonderful new door to even more laughs & smiles makes the fact the I’m sleeping on an air mattress until the new mattress arrives make “IT” more bearable. And the fact that a little cat named Zoe makes it easier to come home to an empty apartment.

So, I guess that’s the answer to the question…we blog because “IT” does get better with writing….